AGING MIRACULOUSLY PART TWO CLASS NOTES
Hi! I hope you enjoyed this week’s video.
There are two ways we can deal with age: We can deride it, or we can honor it. Too many times, when we think of “aging gracefully” that connotes a kind of surrender…almost permission to let ourselves go…to simply sink into the background and be okay with it.
Aging Miraculously is not that. It involves surrendering to the fact that we are older now, yes — but with a sense of honor and self-respect that allows us to experience Act 3 differently. We can consciously claim Act 3 it not as an anti-climax but as our crowning achievement, the years when we have finally learned what we came here to learn and are ready to actualize our best.
Clearly, this is a different paradigm for age than one we’re used to. But it isn’t different in historic terms at all; in fact, what we’re discussing here is actually a return to a more traditional worldview.
In cultures and times where families with lots of children lived together and remained closely bonded – which was most of human history — grandparents had an important and honored role as elders within the family dynamic. Having lost so much of our traditional social structure, we are bereft when aging with no sense of personal significance once parenthood, marriage, and previous career have either changed form or disappeared. In order to reclaim our joy, we must re-think and re-imagine our significance in a contemporary society.
This re-thinking and re-imagining precedes our re-doing; if we’re just trying to “figure out what to do” now, our efforts can take on an almost desperate quality. So let’s step back here: as with anything else, our first task is to align ourselves with miraculous thinking. The question is not what can we do now, but rather who can we be now? The role of conscious elder begins in a shift in the way we see ourselves. No one can grant that to us, and no one can take it away from us, once we have claimed it for ourselves.
The world isn’t going to tell you you’re important; you yourself have to remember you’re important. And then the world will remember it too.
*****
For me, turning fifty was hard. For months before my 50th birthday, I was depressed in a way I had not expected to be. It was hard to accept that as of that birthday, my youth would be irrevocably over. I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t feel old yet, but I’m not young anymore either.”
Friends a bit older than myself told me everything would change once my birthday arrived, and they were right. I remember sitting at a café that day, and it was as though everything shifted in a moment. All of a sudden it was all fine. I had grieved, and now the fever had broken. A new and wonderful new chapter was at hand.
My friend Tara told me that “50 is the age past which you don’t care what other people think anymore.” And that turned out to be so oddly true. For whatever reason, after fifty you’re not tyrannized by other people’s opinions in the same way you were before. People pleasing isn’t a disease that plagues you anymore. And that is extremely liberating as we age. We feel so much freer to speak our truth when we’re no longer asking someone else’s permission. After fifty, whether or not you respect yourself for speaking up is more important than whether or not someone else appreciates what you said.
That is particularly important in the world today, because the heart’s wisdom is radical. In a fear-based world, love doesn’t always receive applause.
Turning sixty I felt something slightly different, like I was entering into my twilight years. But twilight is the most magical time of day, after all. In consciousness as in nature, twilight is a mysterious time. It is a gorgeous mix of both night and day. It is numinous and filled with power.
In this week’s video, I spoke of the Ceremony of the Elder that’s in my book ILLUMINATA. Think about whether you yourself might want to do that. Such rites of passage are profound; their psychological and emotional effect are real indeed.
Perhaps you will choose to invite friends and family to attend, or even perform it with friends so it’s a ceremony for more than one of you! Perhaps your book club, church group, synagogue, mosque, spiritual center, apartment building or community club might be interested in hosting you! Announcing your choice publicly brings others into the circle of power created by the ceremony.
As we age, not only are we no longer children – we are no longer even youthful adults. And that is staggering, even shattering to realize unless we have a psychological context within which to contain it. It is spiritual power that releases us from the plague of perceived insignificance and delivers us to a new sense of self.
Our society is undergoing a crisis of adulthood; we need more children to mature into truly conscious adults, and we need more adults to mature into truly conscious elders. Whether or not your body ages is not a choice; whether or not you become an honorable, conscious elder is absolutely your choice. Anything that helps prepare any of us for happier, more conscious living is a boon not only to ourselves but to the world around us.
CEREMONY OF THE ELDER
from ILLUMINATA: Thoughts, Prayers, Rites of Passage
A Rite of Midlife
As a generation, we are growing into our wisdom. We are hungry for our wise women, our wise men. We are hungry to know them and to become them. The wise have seen the light at the center of things, and the light at the center of things is who we are. Until we see that, the mission of our lives remains unfulfilled. This rite is very significant when done for someone’s fiftieth, sixtieth, or seventieth birthday. It should also be noted that it is as our lives remains unfulfilled.
This rite is very significant when done for someone’s fiftieth, sixtieth, or seventieth birthday. It should also be noted that it is as appropriate for men as it is for women.
OFFICIANT:
We gather on this day to celebrate an important passage in the life of Anne Martin. She is to us a beloved child of God. She is as well the daughter of (name) and (name), the wife of (name), the mother of (names), and sister to the world.
The years of her life on earth have brought her to this sacred moment, where she takes upon herself, through the grace of God, the mantle of the Elder. From this day forward, she celebrates and carries forth the purpose of the wise ones, who oversee our human progress, who nurture and sustain us. She shall be grandmother to all children, handmaiden to God and Goddess, revered for her insights and honored for her knowledge.
To you, Anne, having lived these years, having seen what you have seen and cried the tears of troubled times, we now acknowledge that you have climbed the ladder of the elder ones. May God reveal to you a sacred sensibility. We are blessed by your presence. We are grateful to know you.
Please reveal to us your story.
(Anne has prepared, prior to the ceremony, a letter to the world. It describes her history however she cares to reveal it. She forgives and blesses past times. She offers herself for continued service to humanity and to the world. She claims the full blessings of her maturity,the value of her experience to now share in faith and inspiration with those who seek her counsel.)
And so it is. We thank you, Anne.
I’d like to ask any gathered here who wish to at this time to share with us your acknowledgments of Anne, and your prayers for her life in the future.
(They do.)
Now I ask those assembled here to join with me in prayers for this woman:
Dear God, We thank you for the years gone by, and we thank you for the years ahead. This woman has lived, dear Lord.
She has seen the cycles of life and death.
She has rejoiced at morning and mourned its passing.
Thus she has now gained sacred knowledge:
The power to heal through the depth of her compassion;
The power to teach through the depth of her understanding;
The power to bring forth a new and better world through the depth of her vision.
May all now see in her, and may she see within herself, the elder, the wise one, the one who holds the candle of illumination for all the world to see.
May she be honored and revered.
May her heart be as a womb to new life.
May her children’s children see the power of the ages as it is written in her eyes.
She has arrived, dear Lord.
May she be blessed.
She has come so far,
May she now know peace.
She has worked so hard,
May she now find rest.
And may a cycle now begin for her, more powerful than any other, most glorious of all.
For she is now the fullness of human, of woman, of God’s servant and child.
Bless her always.
May she shine.
Amen.
I would like to ask you all now to join with me in two minutes of silent prayer, in thanksgiving and in blessing on this woman.
(They do so.)
And now, Anne, I’d like to ask you to read to us your vision for us and for this world.
(She does so.)
Anne, please repeat after me:
Dear God, Thank You for my life.
May it open now to a new and glorious chapter.
May my past and future be transformed.
May I become a channel for good as never before.
May the generation behind me receive strength and comfort from my being here.
May I glorify and fortify Your light on earth.
Amen.
OFFICIANT:
Dear Anne, you are to be honored and respected for what you have done and who you are. You are an Elder among us, a wise one who has seen what we have not seen. Teach us, that we might all be more.
We deeply thank you. We wish you well. Go in peace and go in joy.
(To those assembled)
I bless you all.
Amen.
GRIEVING WHAT IS NO LONGER OURS, AND CLAIMING THAT WHICH IS
Few of us are jumping up and down in excitement over the fact that we’re no longer young. A theme that is central to this course is that to celebrate the future, sometimes we first must grieve the past. Otherwise we are pretending to feel what in fact we don’t.
So what are the things we need to grieve? And what are the gifts we need to embrace? I hope you will take advantage of this section to write some things down.
The issue is not that age brings no gifts, but that it brings less obvious gifts. The gifts of youth – the energy, the beauty, the ease – are poured upon us freely by the universe. But the gifts of age are earned, and they’re gifts we only get to keep if we pour them back into the universe. Unrecognized by us they will be unused by us, and unused by us they will be unrecognized – both by ourselves and by others. It’s not enough to have become wise; we must share our wisdom to help heal the world, and only then will we experience the satisfaction of having done so. Whether it’s political or social or family involvement, few of us can honestly say there is no place where our help would not be appreciated.
But most of us have not achieved wisdom easily, or without great pain. It was often our failures that taught as much as our successes. Sometimes it was having treated life irresponsibly that taught us finally to be responsible. It was having moved too quickly and making some terrible mistake because of it, that taught us the importance of slowing down. It was treating life too casually and suffering the consequences that taught us the importance of being reverent.
And this is where the process of Aging Miraculously is inevitably filled with tears. We can’t grow from our mistakes unless we really look at our mistakes, and to really look at them at them is often painful. There might be grief involved in looking at them honestly, but only in doing so will we be able to move forward into a lighter and more joy-filled place. We look, then we cry, then we grieve, then we grow, then we laugh. I promise you.
There are two main categories of grief that all of us go through in surrendering our youth: the things we miss, and the things we regret.
This is a process that cannot be rushed. It is not completed overnight. But only if you go through this process can you get to the other side of it. Whether you are in your Fifties, Sixties, Seventies, Eighties or Nineties, your life has been a drama that is worth this attention and forgiveness and love.
Use this opportunity to write down those things you must release now, and surrender them to God.
“People used to want to invest in my projects. I can tell they think I’m too old now.”
“I had so much energy. It’s not there anymore.”
“I knew I had a lot of time left. I can feel that I don’t anymore.”
“There used to be so many chances. I don’t feel I have them anymore.”
“I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time.”
“I wish that I had been there more for my kids.”
“I wish I had been a better (husband, wife, father, mother).”
“I wish I had used my talents more.”
“I wish I had done….better.”
“I wish I hadn’t made such a stupid mistake when….”
“I wish I had realized how quickly time would fly.”
Write about these things, give yourself time to reflect about them, and allow yourself whatever period of sadness it takes before the emotional fever breaks. You might find yourself crying over things you hadn’t even thought about for a while, bursting into tears while reading a novel or in the middle of the night. But these are tears that will not hurt you; they will heal you. You might find yourself obsessing about things you feel you got wrong twenty, or thirty years ago. Now, your psyche will bring them to the forefront of your consciousness. Why? Because they represent baggage you need to let go of, layers of accumulated sorrow and unprocessed feeling that must now be forgiven, and learned from, in order to develop your wings for Act 3.
The point is, don’t worry about this. Don’t think it means that something is wrong. It simply means you’re downloading some old unprocessed energies that have impressed themselves into your psyche, even your body, that you’re bringing up now in order to release them to God. According to A Course in Miracles, he cannot take from us what we’re not willing to release to Him.
Here is a powerful idea: Write a letter to God and place your burdens in His hands. Then, after you have written, allow Him to write back! You will be surprised by all the wisdom in your heart that is just waiting to be heard.
Dear God,
Please take from me
The pain of my regret,
The agony of my remorse,
And my sorrow at realizing
That I am young no more.
Help me to release the things that serve no longer,
And to claim the things that serve me now.
I give to you my youth, Dear God.
Please give to me my wings.
Amen
THE THINGS THAT WE HAVE LEARNED
As you continue writing about the things that are heavy on your heart, begin also to write about the points of light that are emerging from the darkness.
It’s time now to claim the lessons of age. Some examples might be as follows:
The lesson of humility – which you might not have learned, had you not been arrogant when you were younger.
The lesson of deeply appreciating every day you have left – which you might not have learned, had you not reached an age where your mortality is now so obvious.
The lesson of appreciation – which you might not have learned, had you not taken so much for granted for too many years.
The lesson of gratitude – which you might not have learned, had you not received some things so easily when you were young.
Such lessons, and the gifts they represent, are divine compensation for the lost gifts of youth. Whatever arrogance, irresponsibility, lack of gratitude or appreciation that might have marked our personalities when we were younger, have been replaced by a richness and wisdom it took all our youthful experiences to achieve.
And according to A Course in Miracles, whatever miracles we deflected through living lovelessly in the past are held in trust for us until we are ready to receive them! So okay…you didn’t “get” it when you were younger! (Join the rest of us.) But we “get it” now! God isn’t saying, “Too bad. It’s too late!” Truly, it isn’t over ‘til it’s over. And in truth, it’s never over…
So now make another list – a list of the strengths you have now. The key is to surrender them to God, dedicate them to His purposes, and ask how you can use them on His behalf.
“I can listen more patiently; send me someone who needs to be heard.”
“I can understand more deeply; send me someone who needs to be understood.”
“I have learned so much; send me someone who could learn from my experience.”
SEX AND AGE
The gifts of age might not seem as hot and sexy as the gifts of youth, but they are. I wasn’t really, truly comfortable in my skin until I was over fifty. And what is sexier than that?
The idea that we are not sexually attractive past a certain age is difficult for many of us. But whenever I find that particular demon circling my head, I remember my parents and smile. A story about their sex life is a constant reminder to me that where there is love there can be delight.
Well into my father’s elderly years, he had a health emergency while we were dining as a family one night. A while before that, he had had a heart attack. We were fearful he was having another.
Rushed into the emergency room, he was surrounded by young doctors rapidly asking my mother what medication he was taking. They began shouting at my father, “Sam! Sam! Tell us – did you take that medicine today?!?”
My father looked up at the young doctor, looked him straight in the eye and said defiantly, through his pain, “I can’t take that medicine, you bastards! When I take that pill, I can’t get it up!!”
The room grew suddenly still. I remember the abashed, horrified look on the young doctor’s face, as he backed up and said “Oh Sam,” he said. “I’m so sorry…I thought…”
With that, my mother threw herself over my father crying, “Oh Sam, I’d rather we never have sex again than that I don’t have you at all!”
The rest of us in the room were too stunned to speak. Obviously, after that my father was given an alternative prescription for his heart problem! I learned from my parents a very important lesson that night: to make no further assumptions about age and sex.
I can honestly say that two of the hippest, coolest women I have ever known are over 80. And yes, they have it going on in every area of their lives. There is more going on in twilight that we can see with our physical eyes. They told me so, and I believe them.
*****
I hope that between the video and these class notes, you will have much to write and think about this week. Try not to skip over your deepest thoughts and feelings. Allow them to be, and allow them to guide you. There is so much wisdom – your own wisdom – just waiting for your permission to flourish.
God bless you and enjoy your week!